the heart can never be prepared to deal with heart matters ,i felt so deep inside me an empty soul . it was like "yeahhh everything is really done and dusted, what are you going to do now." all the preparations did not make sense to me besides being sidelined in almost everything ,i needed to be there for my grieving self. i was so broken ,still am broken.
i would find myself wanting to wake my father up so he would explain everything and tell me it is all a joke ,in the process trying to console myself that he is really gone and this is how life will be ,very different. i am not used to not talking to you ,waking up every day knowing that i will not see you ever again but in the next life ,it breaks me even more than anything. my heart has been into pieces and there is some sense of division within all those preparations , trying to get everything done and walking on each other's toes and bugging heads ,i felt misunderstood throughout the process , i wish i would say it is well with my soul but it is not.
the 'who knows better' has been the main game being played, holding back and pretense has been my enemy throughout the process , those things do not align with who i am but i guess the preparations required me to fall in that line. i did my part and i am sure of where i stand...
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