D-A-D

i find it strange that it has been years since you are gone but yet it is very difficult to process it . almost every day is a shocker for me and healing has proven to not be the smooth road i always thought it would be . i still hear your voice in my head , i still converse with you in my head and smile . it temporarily stops me from thinking about the worse but i always ask myself how long will it last ?

i am pinning this down to say , i feel less of myself every day . every day is hard to live but i just think of that one drive from Thornhill to Queenstown when i told you about my dreams . dad , i still have those dreams , however i am willing to let go of them just to join you in heaven . i mean , i would be happy to accomplish everything but i would be the happiest to not live up to that long .

i randomly drive pass by your house , which does not feel like my home anymore , hoping to see you but it comes back to me again that you are no longer with us and i will never see you again . whisper into my ears , talk to me , tell me what i should do ?

it is such a dark road that i am walking on , i pray for light but that light seems like it is impossible to get to , please whisper into my ears , talk to me , convince me why i should still be here . tell me that my dreams are valid and that i should live through to making them a reality .

my heart feels like it has a huge hole , i feel so empty . everything that i have inside of me feels like it is not enough to carry me through to the end , a part of myself is gone and i doubt i will ever be the same person again , it hurts .

i figured grieving takes time .

i am grieving .

i am grieving for the loss of a loved one ,

i am grieving for the loss of myself , it is a roller coaster .

if you find yourselves here , be kind to yourself . work on patience , do not rush yourself cause the minute you do , you will take several steps backwards and that will do so much harm to your mental health . we are all going through something , please be kind to others and respect their journeys as well as your journey . love more , give yourself love and the others as well .

i luv u xxx .